← All posts · relationships · November 7, 2023 · Updated November 1, 2026

From Thoughtful Bids to Dodging Discord: Your Guide to Being a Better Partner

Two Gottman Institute concepts — Turn-Toward Bids and the Four Horsemen — that quietly determine whether a marriage thrives or struggles. A practical playbook.

So, you've decided to tie the knot — or maybe you've been knotted for a while now. Either way, welcome to the club. This journey comes with its share of thrills and chills. As someone who's navigated the tumultuous yet exhilarating waters of marriage, I can tell you: it's quite the ride.

Through my own love escapades, I've come face to face with moments that made my heart sing and others that, well, didn't. Love isn't just about riding the highs — it's about navigating the lows with a bit of grace, a dash of humor, and a whole lot of understanding.

In my quest for the proverbial "happy ever after," I stumbled on some insightful research from the Gottman Institute. They introduced me to two concepts that changed how I think about relationships: "Turn-Toward Bids" and the "Four Horsemen". It was like finding a love compass in the bewildering-but-beautiful maze of marriage.

These aren't abstract ideas floating in the love-osphere. They're reflections of real moments in real relationships. And they have a profound impact on how we dance to the rhythm of love.

Tuning into the "Turn-Toward Bids"

Picture this: your love life is a dance floor, and every glance, every chuckle, every "did you see that?" from your partner is an invitation to twirl, tap, or tango together. These subtle cues are what the Gottman Institute calls Turn-Toward Bids. They're your partner's way of saying, "Hey, let's share this beat."

How you respond to these bids can either jazz up your dance or have you stepping on each other's toes.

• When you turn toward a bid, you're joining in on the groove. The melody gets sweeter.
• When you turn away, you've just missed a chance for a memorable dance.

Let's break it down:

Acknowledgment. When your partner points out a goofy dog on the street, a simple "Oh, how cute!" is music to their ears. It's about acknowledging the bid with warmth.

Engagement. If that goofy dog sparks a conversation about adopting a furry buddy, you've hit a love-high note.

Enthusiasm. If you dive into a playful debate about which dog breed is the best, you've just added a spicy beat to the love tune.

How to get better at this

The essence of acing this dance is spontaneity and attentiveness. Being present — not just with your moves, but with your heart too. Surprise date nights, spontaneous compliments, playful debates about pizza toppings. These all add zest to the love dance.

When the rhythm of daily life muddles your dance steps — and it will — that's where a little system can help. (More on that at the end.)

Dodging the "Four Horsemen"

Ah, the Four Horsemen. They're not the latest indie band, but they sure can rock the boat in our love lives. The Gottmans identified these as the four behaviors that, left unchecked, pull a relationship toward divorce more predictably than just about anything else. I've watched these horsemen gallop through my own love trails.

Criticism. Picture a small gremlin that loves to nitpick. It can turn a simple "you forgot the milk" into an opera of complaints. The antidote? Express your need as a positive ask instead of a negative evaluation: "Could you pick up some milk on your way home?"

Contempt. This one's the diva of discord, bringing a chilly aura of superiority. Eye-rolls, sarcasm, mockery. Combat this with genuine appreciation and respect. Say out loud the things you value about your partner. Often.

Defensiveness. Imagine a knight in shining armor, shield always up. Love isn't a battlefield. Shed the armor. Take responsibility for your part, even if it's just 10%.

Stonewalling. Picture someone trapped in an invisible box, unresponsive to any cues. Breaking free requires taking a breather — walking away briefly, then returning to the conversation with a willingness to engage. Not disappearing. Returning.

Avoiding a bumpy ride

Tackling these horsemen isn't a battle royale. It's about understanding, patience, and a sprinkle of humor. It's creating a safe haven where love can move freely — away from the disruptive beats of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Striding to a Joyful Journey

So here we are — after a whimsical waltz through Turn-Toward Bids and the Four Horsemen. Your love life, as we've seen, is less a rigid routine and more a freestyle dance. The steps you take, the tunes you choose, and how you respond to your partner's cues set the rhythm for a harmonious or discordant melody.

Tuning into the bids. Every little bid is a chance to share a move. Whether it's a twirl of laughter or a tap of understanding, tuning into these bids makes the dance lively.

Dodging the discord. Shooing those horsemen off the floor keeps things smooth. Face the music together. Choose the beats of understanding.

The journey may have its share of missed beats and stumbled steps. But with a playful heart, a listening ear, and a dash of thoughtfulness, every day is a chance for a beautiful dance.

y:MT is a free app built for exactly the "muddled dance steps" moments — when life's hustle makes it hard to stay present and on-beat. It remembers your anniversaries, tracks the small things your partner mentions, suggests gift ideas, and writes heartfelt messages so you always have a way to turn toward them. Thoughtfulness on autopilot — so presence becomes the easy part. Try y:MT — free →

Related reading: How to Be a More Thoughtful Husband · The Power of Mindfulness in Relationships

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