← All posts · relationships · March 14, 2022
Why Did My Husband Forget Valentine's Day?
Why husbands drop the ball on Valentine's Day — a guest perspective on the four real reasons, plus what to do about it next year.
Why do husbands forget special occasions — Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, anniversaries?
I was about to let another Valentine's Day slip quietly into history, but after a conversation with a friend about why husbands don't always come through on Valentine's Day, she volunteered to write a short guest piece sharing her perspective.
I love her enthusiasm and her encouragement to women to make their own Valentine's Day bliss. I also wish they didn't have to. That's one of the reasons I built y:MT.
Here's what she had to say.
A Guest Perspective — by Audrey
So Valentine's Day has come and gone, and for an occasion that's supposed to be about love and romance, not everyone ends up feeling those sentiments.
For women, there's often a lot of conversation about Valentine's Day beforehand — especially during Valentine's Week. Women notice the chocolate hearts coming out on the grocery aisles and are more likely to think about what it would feel like to receive a gesture of love. And if you've been in a relationship for a number of years, there was probably a time when your man crushed it on Valentine's Day. You have memories of dinner reservations, roses, candy, thoughtfully written notes. And if you don't have those memories of your own, you definitely hear about them from other women.
This can lead to hurt feelings. Which never feel great.
So why don't men "just do it" on Valentine's Day?
Getting "the right gift"
Whether your spouse knows you well or is still figuring you out, there's a lot of pressure to get the right gift. Have you ever received a gift you weren't super thrilled about? Did you think you masked your disappointment? Even if you appreciated the thoughtfulness, if you didn't actually love the gift, your spouse probably picked up on it.
Now imagine him searching Amazon or walking around the store asking himself if what he's about to buy is something you'll love. That's a lot of pressure. For some, that kind of pressure leads to not being able to decide at all. You'd never know how he agonized over getting you a book he thought you might read, or a gift card for your favorite nail place, or those shoes you mentioned liking the last time you were out shopping.
Obligation doesn't feel like love
Your spouse probably cares a lot about you. But if he's thinking about Valentine's Day, he might be asking, "Why do I need to participate in this commercialized holiday?" He feels a sense of obligation to make the day special.
And here's the thing: obligation and thoughtful gestures don't really feel like a match. What comes from obligation rarely feels like love.
He doesn't realize it's the day — or that it matters to you
Which leads to the next point: he might not even fully clock that Valentine's Day is today. What dates are genuinely important to him? His kid's birthday. The opening game of his favorite team's season. The date of his annual review and potential raise. Is Valentine's Day on that list? Maybe for some men. Probably not for most. And even if he knows the day, does he know how much it matters to you that it gets acknowledged?
Valentine's Day can be expensive
One last thing to consider: how much it can potentially cost to pull off a really thoughtful, romantic Valentine's Day. If that's out of his current budget, it can be a hit to his ego to try to put together a "budget Valentine's" that still feels like it shows his love. Men often want to be providers — they want to take care of their spouses — and it can be hard for them to land on ideas that show love without a big, expensive gesture.
What's a girl to do?
If Valentine's Day truly is important to you, communicate that to your spouse. Be clear about what you expect. It's okay to set him up for success.
Consider your expectations honestly: are they reasonable given your life stage, your finances, and how he feels about engaging in this holiday?
And if all else fails — have a backup plan. Who says you can't be your own Valentine? Buy yourself the flowers. Get your favorite takeout. Take a long bath. Appreciate the love you already have for yourself.
My Take
Thanks to Audrey for a perspective I don't always see. I love that she encourages women to take Valentine's Day satisfaction into their own hands.
I'm also a strong believer that thoughtfulness and romance are on husbands to put in the effort. The reasons Audrey listed — fear of getting it wrong, the pressure of obligation, not realizing it matters, the cost — are all real. But they're also all solvable.
The biggest one — "I didn't even realize it was the day" — is the whole reason I built y:MT. A free app that reminds you when Valentine's Day is coming, tells you what your wife actually likes (based on a profile you set up once), writes a heartfelt message for you, and gives you curated gift ideas at any budget.
If your husband is the kind of guy who wants to do better but keeps getting caught off guard, send him this. If you're the husband reading this and thinking "yeah, this is me" — the app is free. Five minutes of setup, and next Valentine's Day won't be the one that disappoints.
Keep reading
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What Do Men Want in a Relationship?
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From Thoughtful Bids to Dodging Discord: Your Guide to Being a Better Partner
Two Gottman Institute concepts — Turn-Toward Bids and the Four Horsemen — that quietly determine whether a marriage thrives or struggles. A practical playbook.
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What Do Women Want in a Relationship?
Emotional support, quality time, open communication, and the small daily gestures that actually matter. A grounded look at what makes a relationship feel like home.
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The Power of Mindfulness in Relationships
How mindfulness transforms relationships — through active listening, emotional intelligence, handling conflict, and rediscovering the small moments that matter.